It starts when I lie in bed ... early. Like right now (no, I'm not in bed, I'm at the computer writing this).
I laid down in bed, at 9 PM this Saturday. Realize I know how this sounds ... pathetic (I am of a generation that partied, drank, and had indiscriminate sex all the time. Ahh, the good old days).
Lately, I cannot stop weeping. Like most overachievers who feel they have not achieved enough, I cannot figure out why someone like me (intelligent, socio-culturally aware, passionate, etc and so forth) has not achieved the level of greatness I once aspired for, dreamt of, and thought would come with hard work and attention to detail. What the fuck happened?
I remember as a pouting, precocious adolescent wanting to write a book that would be on The New York Times Bestseller list for the longest time. I authored a book(s). They did not make it.
I thought by this age, I am a half-century grrl (okay more) that I would have it all together and know everything I needed to know and be independent, and financially secure, and have love or be loved (Gawd, how naive that sounds in b/w). But, I thought that until about five minutes before writing it.
I thought that being grown up would be so much fun, with so much freedom and fulfillment.
Speaking for myself, I need directions. I need life's manual (please, please do not suggest the all mighty Bible to me). I do well if I know what to do to get where I need to go. Just fucking tell me! I do not mind making mistakes as I know that's part of the strategy, the game. But, what if you do not know what the game is? Sometimes, actually most times now, I feel like that. Like I do not know what the game is.
Let's see. Go to college. Get a degree (I got three degrees, the last one a Master's in Philosophy ... yeah, I know yet it was an investment in me okay)! Be passionate about the work,
I am. Continue to learn, I do. Develop your various talents and skills, I have.
Somehow, right now, I feel lost. It is a temporary condition because someone like me refuses to be too deeply mired in self-defeat. Yet, when I am, I'm all there! Reminds me of a saying my younger brother once told me when I asked him how he felt. He said, "I'm so low that when I look up I see the bottom." I laughed.
Seriously though, I feel like time is closing in and I have not made a meaningful contribution to this life, and my life. I feel ... alone.
Time even is going fast. It is like I am on a Merry-Go-Round and daily life is speeding by. And, I snatch at my aspirations but as a idiot savant, I of course cannot figure out to do beyond my supposed brilliance.
So, please great universe, GPS my life. I'm tired of fighting the culture and society. I want to know ... me. Please, guide me to my purpose. Please make it meaningful. Allow me to transform into someone truly ... human. (BTW, a human can author a book that could make it onto The New York Times Bestseller list for the longest period of time. I'm just saying).
