It starts when I lie in bed ... early. Like right now (no, I'm not in bed, I'm at the computer writing this).
I laid down in bed, at 9 PM this Saturday. Realize I know how this sounds ... pathetic (I am of a generation that partied, drank, and had indiscriminate sex all the time. Ahh, the good old days).
Lately, I cannot stop weeping. Like most overachievers who feel they have not achieved enough, I cannot figure out why someone like me (intelligent, socio-culturally aware, passionate, etc and so forth) has not achieved the level of greatness I once aspired for, dreamt of, and thought would come with hard work and attention to detail. What the fuck happened?
I remember as a pouting, precocious adolescent wanting to write a book that would be on The New York Times Bestseller list for the longest time. I authored a book(s). They did not make it.
I thought by this age, I am a half-century grrl (okay more) that I would have it all together and know everything I needed to know and be independent, and financially secure, and have love or be loved (Gawd, how naive that sounds in b/w). But, I thought that until about five minutes before writing it.
I thought that being grown up would be so much fun, with so much freedom and fulfillment.
Speaking for myself, I need directions. I need life's manual (please, please do not suggest the all mighty Bible to me). I do well if I know what to do to get where I need to go. Just fucking tell me! I do not mind making mistakes as I know that's part of the strategy, the game. But, what if you do not know what the game is? Sometimes, actually most times now, I feel like that. Like I do not know what the game is.
Let's see. Go to college. Get a degree (I got three degrees, the last one a Master's in Philosophy ... yeah, I know yet it was an investment in me okay)! Be passionate about the work,
I am. Continue to learn, I do. Develop your various talents and skills, I have.
Somehow, right now, I feel lost. It is a temporary condition because someone like me refuses to be too deeply mired in self-defeat. Yet, when I am, I'm all there! Reminds me of a saying my younger brother once told me when I asked him how he felt. He said, "I'm so low that when I look up I see the bottom." I laughed.
Seriously though, I feel like time is closing in and I have not made a meaningful contribution to this life, and my life. I feel ... alone.
Time even is going fast. It is like I am on a Merry-Go-Round and daily life is speeding by. And, I snatch at my aspirations but as a idiot savant, I of course cannot figure out to do beyond my supposed brilliance.
So, please great universe, GPS my life. I'm tired of fighting the culture and society. I want to know ... me. Please, guide me to my purpose. Please make it meaningful. Allow me to transform into someone truly ... human. (BTW, a human can author a book that could make it onto The New York Times Bestseller list for the longest period of time. I'm just saying).
Marijke
February 5, 2008 at 8:07 am
I absolutely will buy the book now. If for no reason other than to support a fellow nurse.
Thank you for writing about it and - well, I won't say what I think of the institution that fired her.
NPs Save Lives
February 5, 2008 at 9:41 am
This is such a crock! God forbid a doctor write a book. It would probably be put in a bookcase front and center for all to see. I hope she laughs all the way to the bank. Screw them! I just wish I had the talent to do the same. Alas! My career has'nt been very interesting as of yet. I'm working on it! I will definitely buy her book! We all need to support each other.
Beth
February 5, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Great review - I can't wait to read this book (a) because it sounds so interesting and (b) because I would like to support Ms. Zurub's right to tell her side of the story.
Mother Jones RN
February 5, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Kim, so you were the one who got the last copy of Adrienne's book. I tried buying it on Amazon, but I couldnt get it because they were sold out. Oh yeah, I love how you're signing your name these day. Cute!
ditzydoctor
February 6, 2008 at 12:26 am
dearest k. RN!
you never fail to brighten my day
and i hope the book goes for a 2nd print run so i can buy it!
Tom
February 6, 2008 at 3:22 pm
I look forwared to reading the book If I can find it! Hmmm¦. if you could prove that you were terminated for what appears to be exercising you right of free speech, you could be the proud owner of a hospital!
Lyn
February 6, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Adrienne is a sharp woman who has the world by the balls. She might be feeling remorse from her termination, but, God moves us where He wants us to be. It is wonderful that she aroused that much attention that they felt fear and other for her great skill at relaying that which she endured, suffered, felt, lived, survived, and loved. It is a great honor to arouse that kind of reaction, especially with your first book¦ She is on her way, and, being freed from their services will only light the way to the comfort of the Oprah show¦ Excellent review of a fine and worthy woman¦
Manchild
February 7, 2008 at 1:57 am
Hello Kim,
I applaud and celebrate Adrienne for writing a book that should not have cost her a job that she held for over 25 years. Go figure.
Nevertheless, the wise have always told me that whenever mortal hands close a door, God always opens another one that no man, nor doctor, can shut. I hope and pray that her book sales soar beyond her wildest expectations
Thank you for sharing Adrienne's inspiring story. May her courageous act of faith encourage other nurses who are living in fear of losing their jobs to find their voices and raise them.
Manchild
Lin
February 7, 2008 at 3:10 am
What a great review. Makes me want to run out and buy this book right now.
JEMi
February 7, 2008 at 7:21 am
What an incredible review!
I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and it was an effective prompt for me to go and buy that book