notesfromthemothership

I am afraid of looking for You and finding ... Me.

Viewing again the movie, Frida the Mexican artist Frida Kahlo and her tumultuous and loving relationship with fellow artist Diego Rivera. I love the music, the feel and the acting. 

The artistic mood of Frida makes me think about many things. Why did I partially buy into Mexicans being perceived as illegal immigrants with no sense of country, no sense of self, and therefore no sense of worth?  Why did I not recognize that a love of art and more importantly it's creation, and the push for human recognizance appear to be intertwined (I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it needs to be stated). Why when I think of Mexico, I think first of Tijuana, drug cartels, and border patrols, and the one funny ass episode of American Dad where Roger the alien, is a "performer" of sorts with a donkey in a Mexican bar? WTF? 

Then there are my self indulgent girly thoughts of love, weight, commitment to self and others, who is me (or whom am i)? Will I ever truly know my purpose? Can I love someone else? What is allegiance, loyalty? Why is the drug of television so important to me? Will someone look beyond my emotional and physical scars to see me? (Will they tell what they find when they do? Will I dare believe them!?)

So many questions.  

This mental quivering is occurring because I am actively attempting to transform myself: my weight, my location, and my Zen. And with transformation(s) come the relentless questioning and hopefully some answers, even partial answers will suffice. And as you will soon discover some cognitive dissonance ...

What the fuck is this?

I am fat. Not phat. Fat. The old fashioned kind. The uncool kind. The albatross of middle age, the crossover from appealing woman to woman done in by time, of being estrogen endowed, of being a woman who bore children years and years old (the last being fourteen years ago). 

Yes, I am fat. And middle-aged. And alone. And lonely. Perhaps, riding the rim of desperation.

Funny (and not) how I chose to reveal myself to you by defining myself in terms of weight. As much as I do not wish to be a slave to cultural norms, I am indeed slave-like in my assessment of me.  What a fucking disappointment! At this age!

I am a half-century grrl. I should know better. I should have a better sense of myself. Intellectually more than half the time, I know that I am not what the culture defines me as. I know better. I'm supposed to know better ... I'm the smart one. How is it that the marketing wizards know how to press the right buttons with me to bring my intellectual ass down a notch.

And now back to the regular schizophrenic portion of our program .... Ahh, yes the artistic intent in Frida speaks universally to women ... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Damn!  What is the title of this piece? "I am afraid of looking for You and finding ...Me" (Go figure huh)? Did I even come close? (Grrl, get some help)! LOL 

 

BTW: the picture above is not mine. I procured it from the internet. Here is it's #: 8932_152355249196_96334944196_2420351_4642033_n.jpg.

Fantabulous is it not?

 

 

GPS My Life ... Please

It starts when I lie in bed ... early. Like right now (no, I'm not in bed, I'm at the computer writing this).

I laid down in bed, at 9 PM this Saturday. Realize I know how this sounds ... pathetic (I am of a generation that partied, drank, and had indiscriminate sex all the time. Ahh, the good old days).

Lately, I cannot stop weeping. Like most overachievers who feel they have not achieved enough, I cannot figure out why someone like me (intelligent, socio-culturally aware, passionate, etc and so forth) has not achieved the level of greatness I once aspired for, dreamt of, and thought would come with hard work and attention to detail. What the fuck happened?

I remember as a pouting, precocious adolescent wanting to write a book that would be on The New York Times Bestseller list for the longest time. I authored a book(s). They did not make it. 

I thought by this age, I am a half-century grrl (okay more) that I would have it all together and know everything I needed to know and be independent, and financially secure, and have love or be loved (Gawd, how naive that sounds in b/w). But, I thought that until about five minutes before writing it.

I thought that being grown up would be so much fun, with so much freedom and fulfillment.

Speaking for myself, I need directions. I need life's manual (please, please do not suggest the all mighty Bible to me). I do well if I know what to do to get where I need to go. Just fucking tell me! I do not mind making mistakes as I know that's part of the strategy, the game. But, what if you do not know what the game is? Sometimes, actually most times now, I feel like that. Like I do not know what the game is.

Let's see. Go to college. Get a degree (I got three degrees, the last one a Master's in Philosophy ... yeah, I know yet it was an investment in me okay)! Be passionate about the work, 
I am. Continue to learn, I do. Develop your various talents and skills, I have. 

Somehow, right now, I feel lost. It is a temporary condition because someone like me refuses to be too deeply mired in self-defeat. Yet, when I am, I'm all there! Reminds me of a saying my younger brother once told me when I asked him how he felt. He said, "I'm so low that when I look up I see the bottom." I laughed.

Seriously though, I feel like time is closing in and I have not made a meaningful contribution to this life, and my life. I feel ... alone.

Time even is going fast. It is like I am on a Merry-Go-Round and daily life is speeding by. And, I snatch at my aspirations but as a idiot savant, I of course cannot figure out to do beyond my supposed brilliance.

So, please great universe, GPS my life. I'm tired of fighting the culture and society. I want to know ... me. Please, guide me to my purpose. Please make it meaningful. Allow me to transform into someone truly ... human. (BTW, a human can author a book that could make it onto The New York Times Bestseller list for the longest period of time. I'm just saying).  

 

This ...

"... not everything we hear will be our favorite music, but if we would just try to understand it, our appreciation would go up. If we would learn to recognize what went into it—the artistry and the talent and all the various nuances—we might just learn something new."

                                                                                    -- http://changethis.com/56.06.ExtraMile 

Download 6.05.HowToBeCreative  --- ChangeThis.com

(flickr.com

surprise ... me.

Stick your neck out.

Try something new, provocative, dangerous sensual, exciting, naughty, intelligent, forbidden, & awesome ... surprise ... yourself. 

Think differently. Think connected. Think empathy.

Now, release the monkeys

WHY ARE PEOPLE? WHO ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU?

"Intelligent life on a planet comes of age when it first works out the reason for its own existence."

                                                                                                        --Richard Dawkins

Copyrighted excerpt from the book  Notes From the Mothership: The Naked Invisibles

"I do not know who I am. I am nobody and I am you! At the age of a half-century, as in being fifty, as in being a "half-century grrl." I do not know who what I really am! 

I see the reflection of my supposed self when my selves bounce off the faces of others. My self being who they think I am and what I am. Still, I do not see myself--just their experience of me that lends itself to their definition of me .... 

In a sense, my self is like my back. I have never seen my back personally, just its reflection in a mirror, yet it is there. 

It is there.  

It is there

...the familiar unknown."     

                                  --adrienne zurub  

http://eomega.org/omega/workshops/e1c6613d2435d5394144ae254cbed27e/

An Independent review of Omega Institute by a truly independent Traveler enjoy 'Travel Betty':

http://www.travel-betty.com/learn-something-new-at-the-omega-institute/

            

THINK BACK, MOVE FORWARD ...

I CAME UPON THE EASE OF MYSELF, AS IF ANOTHER PERSON APPEARED OUT OF THE DEPTHS OF MY BEING, AND I STOOD OUTSIDE MYSELF, BEYOND BECOMING AND PERISHING AND I REJOICED IN BEING WHAT I WAS. ---Theodore Roethke

Notes From the Mothership: The Self I Think I AM

Update: I am back from 3 months in the picture above! A tropical island in the Marshal Islands. Missed all of the Cleveland and Northeast winter weather. As a matter of fact, I took this picture at Emon beach. 

JOIN ME!  Come and discover ...  you, the familiar unknown.

As a faculty member of the prestigious 

OMEGA Institute for Holistic Studies in Rhinebeck, New York, 

I am conducting a safe and sacrosanct workshop/exploration/discovery 

August 28-30 2009, 

entitled: 

NOTES FROM THE MOTHERSHIP The Self I Think I Am

Course 4102-663

Short COURSE description:

"How often does it feel as if we are waiting in the noise of our culture for a deeper recognizance, meaning, and valuation of ourself?

Yet, while our community stands ready to define, confine, and control us as women, mothers, men, fathers, and significant others, we can learn to embrace the option of seeing ourself naked, stripped of social roles and obligations to reveal the reflection of our true Self. This workshop can help us get there. 

Inspired by the comedian Adrienne Zurub and her remarkable book, Notes From the Mothership: The Naked Invisibles, we get to know the elusive "me" within each of us, the Self that is buried beneath the many layers and needs of others."

Click the Omega 'request catalog to receive the extraordinary catalog. Email or call for registration ... information provided below.

<>March 2009 S M T W T F S 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31	Since its founding in 1977, Omega has been a pioneer in offering personal growth retreats andwellness retreats that focus on the mind, body, and spirit. We do this by exploring, teaching, and embracing new ideas.  Omega's Rhinebeck, New York campus is a peaceful oasis in a hurried world, a healing center where you can relax, rejuvenate, and feel at home in the midst of nature's bounty and a community of warm, caring people. The beauty of our gardens, lake, and wooded trails, the friendly staff, the wonderful food, and the facilities at our Wellness Center, all support what people like you come to Omega to learn, helping you tap into the riches deep within all parts of yourself-body, mind, and spirit.  Omega is indeed a place where you can find within yourself the courage to become a happier, healthier, and more spirited person. This is what Omega's personal growth retreats andwellness retreats offer anyone who comes here. Our food (mostly vegetarian) served in our friendly dining all is excellent, the light meals and desserts in our cafe are awesome, our bookstore is superb, our country lanes are beautiful for walking and jogging, and our tennis and basketball courts are always open.  Omega's lakeside campus is set on 195 acres of rolling hills and woodlands in the Hudson River Valley, just two hours north of New York City. The Hudson Valley is rich in history, cultural vitality, and natural beauty-a colorful mosaic of forests, farmlands, lovely old towns, and the mighty Hudson River.	details list of workshops faculty list registration info cancellation policy accommodations local hotels and inns arrival and departure children evening events confirm letter r and r retreats ride share arts week family week retreat week transportation services travel directions wellness center campuses Rhinebeck Campus Omega Teen Camp Mount Madonna Maho Bay Sueño Azul Resort

 For more information: Call 877.944.2002 or email us at registration@eomega.org

Omega Institute for Holistic Studies  150 Lake Drive  Rhinebeck, New York  12572  eOmega.org  800.944.1001

 

Available at: 

http://amazon.com

ASIN: 0979286301

ISBN: 9780979286308

My Visualization Collage ...

Just a visual feast of what I am thinking about and moving towards ...

    

                

 

I've Been Inked!

fliclkr.com

Nooooo, that 's not me! This woman is sitting at the tattoo parlor/shop like nothing horrendous ever happened. I on the other hand ...

I just came from the tropical island of Kwajalein landing in Honolulu (the island people ...  well everyone calls it 'Hono') on my way home and to get my Rite-of-Passage tattoo. 

I have never had a tattoo yet my daughter has about 15 to this date (and counting!). So in my naviete I thought getting inked was a fairly easy process. Hell, everyone has one or two or three or fifteen or their entire body covered. How bad could it be?

I wanted a dolphin tattoo around my ankle and star/sun type thingie at the nape of my neck. Unlike the grrl above, the back fat encroached on the nape of my neck rendering it 'no land to place a tattoo.' So, my star/sun is in the back fat. But, I digress. 

The idea for the dolphins came when I was on my way to the tropical island of Kwajalein and the plane/bus stopped on the island of Majoro to pick up passengers. As I looked out the plane window I saw a school (would that be a school or a gang) of dolphins leaping in the Pacific ocean!  I cannot explain how incredible the sight was other than to say ... that the sight was ... incredible. It was my welcome to the Marshal Islands!

Soooo, back to my tattoo in Hono (stay with me now). 

I pick my designs and stuck to them (uncharacteristically, I change my mind like food addict promising 'no more cheesecake')! 

I did want this one ... a Buddhist prayer bead design. It's freakin' sweet (probably the first time 'freakin' sweet has been used with Buddhist prayer beads).

   

So, I'm on the chair (which is another challenge I'm 42 DD so much for the comfort factor) for my ankle design ... the dolphins and next to me is a young Japanese guy who speaks no english ... his sister and friend are there to translate for him. 

This kamikaze (no slur intended) is laying quietly on the table with his arm across his forehead getting his entire right calf inked with a flame design (I reallize now that he had to be high or drunk or passed out). This dude is just laying there like 'Hey, it's nothing.' 

My turn ...

I kid you not, the moment the inking process started I knew I had made major miscalculations. 

The pain ... no let's not call it pain ... that is too simplistic with not enough detail or intensity for what I experienced. Actually, I have no vocabulary for the sensations, the thoughts and the internal madness I went through (actually, I could be describing a near-death event).

Imagine someone taking a dull spoon and ripping thru your flesh with that spoon while you pay them to do it! 

And you (like a good grrl) lie/lay (WTF) still (like marital sex) and wait for it to be over ... soon.

At one point I think I really wanted to black out! I kiddingly ... NOT KIDDING asked if they had a padded tongue blade or a padded spoon I could bite down on (other than the spoon they were using for my tattoo) ... they ignored me! 

I swear to God I was doing everything to psyche myself out during the inking:  going to another place ... imagining that the process was over ... having out-of-body experience(s) ... thinking how pissed off my husband would be when he sees my tattoos as he hates tattoos.

My tattoo guy -- is/was a good artist. 

But, I greatly underestimated the pain factor ... and I'm good with pain (as strange as that sounds).

Which led me to think while trying to withstand that bit of Nazi torture that everyone who inks their body is ... sadomasochist ... or still mad at Mommy & Daddy (husbands fit here as well) ... will do anything trendy ... bows to peer pressure ... thinks inking is a show of individualism (even if everyone is doing it) ... or thinks inking is a walk in the park (I fit all the descriptives)!

When Scott finished my ankle tattoo (as I was holding on to consciousness ... barely) the receptionist asked how I felt and if I was ready for my second tattoo. I mentioned perhaps incoherently that perhaps I did not need the second tattoo and she laughed it off and Scott got started. Holy Shit!

Okay, I am an adult. I have a mortgage, kids (including the husband), I've saved a few lives (yes I have!) I've travelled the world and count myself as somewhat intelligent. Yet, I could not get outta that parlour!

Sooo, another 'spoon' gouging 20 minutes or so, I don't know ...  I was somewhere and there and somewhere and there again. 

On that table in the parlour I identified with the prisoners at Abu Ghahib/Gitmo, clubbed baby seals, and women who undergo female circumcision (yes, I politically choose the descriptive circumcison over female genital mutilation). 

Anyway, I now have two beautiful tattoos and a slight idea of what a Nazi death camp member felt like. 

I would show them to you but they are not ready to be seen in their splendor ... yet. 

Ahhh, summer's coming and I can't wait to show my 'new coolness.'

(That grrl at the top is not crying or anything ... and she looks good ... and happy ... and not sore ... or itchy ...DAMN! I hate her.)

Adrienne Zurub

author/speaker/comedian

the grrl with two new tattoos to the utter dismay ... well, anger of her husband (nah, nah).

Peep me on facebook.com

author of "Notes From the Mothership The Naked Invisibles"

ps: I am still considering getting the Buddhist prayer bead on my ankle done. I guess I've crossed over.

I Got People!

A Comment:

"Hi Adrienne,

I have finished reading your book and, as usual, I am thoroughly impressed. Your honesty is unbelievable. Your writings have caused me to view my life, my career an my person in a whole new way. As you know, I have always seen you as one of the most couragious people I know. Writing Notes... took more courage than I have seen in a long, long while. Keep your head up and keep believing. Success has caught up to you and now there is no turning back. Don't forget the little people. LOL     (CCF/RN)

And the REVIEW!

The Review is written by the author of http://emergiblog.com, which is noted as One of the

BEST HEALTH BLOGS by FOXNEWS.COM!

Also, emergiblog.com was a 2006 Nominee for

BEST MEDICAL WEBLOG and BEST LITERARY MEDICAL WEBLOG!

Adrienne Zurub spent 26 years of her life as a member of the Cleveland Clinic open heart/heart transplant surgery team.

A couple of weeks ago, after almost three decades of professional nursing in the premier heart surgery center, she was fired.

Why?

She wrote a book.

This book.

It's a book about, well, Adrienne Zurub! A half-century grrl, registered nurse, wife, spoken-word poet, mother, stand-up comic, daughter and writer.

Through stories and vignettes, she describes people, places and events that shaped her growth in all these areas.

It's natural that some of these vignettes would be be about her time on the prestigious heart surgery service.

And the characters that populate the cardiac surgery suites. Doctors, patients and nurses.

*****

I had to know what ticked off Cleveland Clinic so badly that they felt they had to terminate Adrienne's employment.

After all, this book isn't about Cleveland Clinic, it's about Adrienne.

Does Cleveland Clinic have a institutional ego problem or was Adrienne off-the-wall?

I decided to buy the book and judge for myself.

I'm glad I got it when I did - amazon.com sold out of it right after I ordered it!

I read it in one sitting.

*****

Was it because she was brutally honest about the environment she worked in, the team she worked with?

The brilliant and the arrogant? The skilled and the misogynistic? The exhausted and the doormats?

Surgeons yelling at nurses? Surgeons yelling at patients? Patients yelling at surgeons?

What did Cleveland Clinic find objectionable about the fact that the heart team is comprised of unbelievably talented, dedicated doctors and nurses who are inherently human and, rarely, all too fallible?

*****

Maybe it was the patient stories.

Surely these are composites. Twenty-six years of surgery experience would tend to provide a lot of samples.

Was it the patient who tried to conduct the OR? The one who told a surgeon to go-to-hell by a rather extraordinary feat?

Or the ones that made my throat and eyes burn as I tried not to cry so I could finish the story?

Which ones did Cleveland Clinic disapprove of?

*****

Then again, maybe it's the fact that despite magnet status, Cleveland Clinic does not treat their nurses with the same respect and deference they show to the doctors.

A keychain here, a water bottle there, an occasional T-shirt instead of decent pay and benefits.

Or the fact that a fancy chicken dinner and a watch is considered a big treat after twenty-five years and Adrienne wasn't buying into it.

Cleveland Clinic could'nt possibly have been upset with that. They certainly don't have the copyright on paying lip service to how much they value their nurses and then treating them like so much chattel.

*****

Adrienne herself describes the book as provocative and it is!

And yet, it is not an in-your-face diatribe, it is more like a face-to-face look at an intelligent, funny fifty-something nurse with opinions on pretty much everything, including her time as an RN at the Cleveland Clinic.

They say nursing has no voice. Well, Adrienne has one. And she is paying the price for it.

I hope she laughs all the way to the bank with her writing and her stand-up comedy.

She deserves success.

Buy the book.

And if you are put off by honest, humorous, poignant, earthy, provocative literature with an adult word here and there ¦..

Buy it anyway!

COMMENTS:

• 
  Marijke

  February 5, 2008 at 8:07 am

  I absolutely will buy the book now. If for no reason other than to support a fellow nurse.
  Thank you for writing about it and - well, I won't say what I think of the institution that fired her.

• 
  NPs Save Lives

  February 5, 2008 at 9:41 am

  This is such a crock! God forbid a doctor write a book. It would probably be put in a bookcase front and center for all to see. I hope she laughs all the way to the bank. Screw them! I just wish I had the talent to do the same. Alas! My career has'nt been very interesting as of yet. I'm working on it! I will definitely buy her book! We all need to support each other.

• 
  Beth

  February 5, 2008 at 6:15 pm

  Great review - I can't wait to read this book (a) because it sounds so interesting and (b) because I would like to support Ms. Zurub's right to tell her side of the story.

• 
  Mother Jones RN

  February 5, 2008 at 6:49 pm

  Kim, so you were the one who got the last copy of Adrienne's book. I tried buying it on Amazon, but I couldnt get it because they were sold out. Oh yeah, I love how you're signing your name these day. Cute!

  
  ditzydoctor

• February 6, 2008 at 12:26 am

  dearest k. RN!

  you never fail to brighten my day
  and i hope the book goes for a 2nd print run so i can buy it!

• 
  Tom

  February 6, 2008 at 3:22 pm

  I look forwared to reading the book If I can find it! Hmmm¦. if you could prove that you were terminated for what appears to be exercising you right of free speech, you could be the proud owner of a hospital!

• 
  Lyn

  February 6, 2008 at 8:23 pm

  Adrienne is a sharp woman who has the world by the balls. She might be feeling remorse from her termination, but, God moves us where He wants us to be. It is wonderful that she aroused that much attention that they felt fear and other for her great skill at relaying that which she endured, suffered, felt, lived, survived, and loved. It is a great honor to arouse that kind of reaction, especially with your first book¦ She is on her way, and, being freed from their services will only light the way to the comfort of the Oprah show¦ Excellent review of a fine and worthy woman¦

• 
  Manchild

  February 7, 2008 at 1:57 am

  Hello Kim,

  I applaud and celebrate Adrienne for writing a book that should not have cost her a job that she held for over 25 years. Go figure.

  Nevertheless, the wise have always told me that whenever mortal hands close a door, God always opens another one that no man, nor doctor, can shut. I hope and pray that her book sales soar beyond her wildest expectations

  Thank you for sharing Adrienne's inspiring story. May her courageous act of faith encourage other nurses who are living in fear of losing their jobs to find their voices and raise them.

  Manchild

• 
  Lin

  February 7, 2008 at 3:10 am

  What a great review. Makes me want to run out and buy this book right now.

• 
  JEMi

  February 7, 2008 at 7:21 am

  What an incredible review!

  I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and it was an effective prompt for me to go and buy that book

  

An Incredible Review!

READ THE INCREDIBLE REVIEW OF MY BOOK AT:

http://www.emergiblog.com/2008/02/inspiredand-fired.html

This blog and it's author, 'KimRN' truly rock with information. Check out the entire site.

'Notes From the Mothership The Naked Invisibles' will be GOING INTO IT'S SECOND PRINTING!

Please keep checking Amazon.com for updated stock!

ASIN:0979286301

In bookstores in March 2008

ISBN: 987-0-9792863-0-8

THANK YOU EVERYONE! For your support, encouragement and comments!