Lost Into Experience ...

9-9-2011

Everyday I look at this stranger ... me.

Love songs bring me back to my illusionary love.

I recognize the futility of loving him yet I want him!

I emailed my friend in the military to see if she can find him and identify him for me. Then what?

Is he ... dead? God! Mission Impossible? That’s the mission for me.

Let go! Let go! Let go!

YET, I want to know. I almost have to know.

Everyday, I implore God to help me. Guide me. Please

9-12-11

Am I lost?

Have we pushed this too far?

Lost into experience...

Now I don't know where home is, baby.

Now I don't know where home is.

Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby now.

---Nichole Alden, Baby Now   The Housemaid

  I am lost into experience.

I cannot forget Cutie.

His face, his pictures, what I conceived him to be.

I will not, that’s it. I refuse to forget him and not love him! I am being ‘determined’ and defiant.

Godammit! I WANT HIM! ONLY HIM!

So, I cry everyday. I mourn. I pray and implore God and the universe. I get angry.

I wallow comfortably in self pity.

I pray for a miracle.

I wish for a miracle.

I ask that my wish, this wish be granted ... just this time.

I won’t ask for anything else ... except if one of the kids gets sick.

I need this.

I need this God.

I need him.

I don’t know where home is ... I don’t know where home is ... without him ...

9-13-11: 1206am

Simply believe ... the impossible.

But, anything is possible. Right?

My mind is strong. I CAN bring him to me. I can bring ... him ... to ... me ... right?

Am I insane or delusional to think this way?

Am I NOT accepting the reality of the situation?

 

Am-I ... lost?